Nightmares and Love
by AutumnRain1
Summary: Is Mac having another set of visions or flashbacks of her childhood?


Title: Nightmares or More? 1/1  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
E-Mail: autumnrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: R- mostly for violence and suggested sexuality and sexual abuse- maybe I rated it too high, but I am not to good at judging ratings.  
  
Spoilers: a few here and there from shows this season, you will recognize them if you saw the episodes. Also, for the purposes of the story, Uncle Matt has been released and is now residing in Arizona.  
  
Summary: Mac has some nightmares. Are they just repressed memories or are they more?  
  
Feedback: of course, it is welcomed and appreciated (  
  
Archive: Yes- you can find it at: http://autumnrain.stories.com and  
  
If you want to place it elsewhere, just let me know.  
  
  
  
*I have been recently made aware of that I am suffering from a condition known as "Muse-itus". Well, I don't exactly considering suffering, but perhaps those of you who are waiting for the next installment to After Effects or Worried, or even the next Simple Household Chores series I have started are suffering :P I simply have too many ideas running around for stories and I feel if I don't act on them when they appear, I will forget them- so I start another story. I have three others in the works too- but I won't post them until they are polished up a bit and I finish a couple of the ones I have already started to post to the lists. If anyone else knows how to deal with "Muse-itus", which I suspect is simply due to the fact that the Muse Factory is sending me hyper active Muses who suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder, please let me know. *  
  
This is my second attempt at a story in the third person (my very first fanfiction was written that way). I have gotten into the groove of writing first person- character's POV and I decided to try a third person story again, I don't know if I succeeded....  
  
  
  
"The little girl shook as her tears fell silently. She had long since learned not to cry out, it would give her position away- hidden in the dark recesses of the kitchen closet, crouched down behind a large sack of potatoes, holding her injured arm close to her, occasionally wiping the mix of blood and tears from her face. Fear. She was afraid of the dark, but more afraid of the angry fists and voice of her father.....the closet door started to open...."  
  
0604  
  
Colonel MacKenzie's Apt.  
  
Georgetown  
  
"NO" The woman screamed as she threw herself off the bed, crouching beside it, trying to hide behind her bedside as the little girl had tried to hide in her dream. The adult female marine crouched there for a few seconds, willing back the tears and getting a grasp on her surroundings, realizing she was indeed safe. No time for tears, she had to be at JAG in less than an hour.  
  
This dream and other variations had been intruding on Mac's already slim window of sleep opportunity for a couple of weeks. They were bothering her more than she was able to hide. Harm had been pretty insistent in his questioning yesterday but she had been able to dodge him- only she was sure, because scuttlebutt had reached her that the admiral asked Harm to quit pushing her buttons, however, by the looks of her bloodshot and baggy eyes she decided that she was going to be in for a round she wouldn't win if she found herself within Harm's radar. Her hands shook as she shoved some files into her briefcase and grabbed her cover. What made this whole situation worse were her doubts.... what if these dreams weren't just echoes and memories of her own past childhood, what if she was having one of her psychic vision dreams? She had thought her 'gift' had only extended to those that were personally close to her- Harm and Chloe, but with the incident of the officer she had never met killed in that park, she couldn't be sure. What if there was a little girl out there suffering as she had, and she was being shown in order to help but she didn't do anything about it? But where would she start? What if it was nothing, what if it was just something had triggered memories of her past to surface?  
  
She walked into JAG, every inch the officer in total control, the kick-ass jarhead ready to fight the world. She left instructions for no one to disturb her unless it was the admiral himself and sequestered herself in her office, blinds pulled. Hopefully Harm would take the hint. However, it wasn't Harm she should have been worrying about. *knock knock*  
  
"Enter" Mac called out forcefully.  
  
"Ma'am. Permission to speak freely?" Lt. Harriet Sims said as she came to attention in front of her superior's desk after securing the door.  
  
Mac studied her for a moment and sighed, "Permission granted Harriet."  
  
"Ma'am, are you okay? You don't look good. Well, I mean, you 'look' good, but it is just....." Harriet bumbled.  
  
Despite it all, Mac found herself fighting a grin, it seems that the Roberts truly were rubbing off on each other. Bud, although still Bud, had gained a quiet confidence over the past few years, and Harriet, although still Harriet, had at times been found bumbling just like her husband.  
  
"I know what you mean Harriet, and please, my office door is shut and you are inquiring after my personal affairs, call me Mac. I am fine, just....." there was something about this young woman that made Mac want to open up.  
  
"What Ma'a.... Mac?"  
  
"Just having some trouble sleeping Harriet. It will pass," defense walls rose, "Thank you for your concern Lt." Yes, she wanted to open up, yet more lessons learned in her life always kept her from taking that final step in confiding in other people, in getting to close to people she truly cared about. To her credit, Harriet understood that this was the end of speaking freely.  
  
"Yes Ma'am. You're welcome. If you need anything, you know where to find me Ma'am" Harriet left her office. Something was wrong with Colonel MacKenzie and it had more to do than a case of insomnia. She knew she had gotten as far as she was likely to get, but the one person she knew who could get close to the Colonel was her other superior officer, Commander Rabb. If only they would stop fighting like....like pre-adolescents who had crushes on each other and tormented each other daily because they didn't have the emotional maturity or wherewithal to show affection in other, more productive ways.  
  
Lt. Sims watched as Commander Rabb strolled into the bullpen, a few minutes late as usual. Before he acknowledged anyone, he looked for Mac, his eyes settling on her closed blinds. For a second Harriet thought he was going to walk right into the Colonel's office, but a few steps from her door his jaw tightened and he turned and headed for his own instead. All morning Harriet fought with herself. Should she say something to the Commander? Was it her place? How long could she watch these to friends of hers hurt each other through the denial of their feelings? Okay, she was getting a bit ahead of herself, she knew first and foremost, whatever was bothering the Colonel had to be dealt with and she had the feeling it was more than just Harm being his usual clueless or scared self.  
  
*knock knock*  
  
"Enter" Harm called out.  
  
"Commander, permission to speak freely sir?" Harriet asked, assuming the same stance she had a few hours earlier in front of the Colonel.  
  
Harm gave a small sigh and turned his head towards Mac's office.  
  
"Permission granted Harriet, but I don't know what is wrong with her either, and I tried."  
  
"Did you really sir?" emboldened by Harm's obvious concern and perceptiveness. "Harm, something is seriously wrong with Mac, and I know it. She told me she wasn't sleeping well, but she has had bouts of insomnia before and she never looked like this"  
  
Harm sighed dejectedly again. "I know Harriet- I see it in her eyes too, but what can I do? I tried to talk with her, despite our attempt at starting from the beginning, all I seem to do is say the wrong thing. I only end up hurting her more. I can't do that to her, I love her too much"  
  
Briefly stunned at the extent to which Harm voiced his feelings, and the matchmaker genes in her mulling over the 'start at the beginning' phrase, she almost missed the 'I love her too much'. Harried gasped. Harm looked up at her, realizing his words.  
  
"That goes no further than this office Lt. Sims, do I make myself clear?" he ordered, still in somewhat of a bit of shock himself. Never had he admitted to another person how he felt about Mac. He had never even voiced those thoughts aloud to himself, not even when he had brought himself to release dreaming of her. He knew exactly how he felt, but never even dared whisper "I love you" to the Sarah MacKenzie in his dreams and fantasies.  
  
"But sir…"  
  
"No 'buts' Lt. Sims, that is never to leave this office, and I instruct you to disregard and forget those words. End of discussion, consider that a direct order" Harm ordered gruffly, his eyes daring her to speak.  
  
Harriet screwed up her last bit of courage, "Sir, with all due respect, she has a right to know how you feel, especially the way you have been acting around and towards her. 'Every man she has been involved with is either dead or wished they were' Do you have any idea of how that hurt her? Are you really that clueless?" Harriet figured that her career was already flushing itself down the toilet, so she went for it all. "Oh yeah, you said you were sorry, but sometimes words aren't enough Sir. Don't worry, I won't tell her what you said, you have to be the one to do that, and I hope for both of your sakes and for all of us who are your friends and have to witness you two's battles, you find a way to do it and soon. Besides, forget about your ongoing soap opera of denied feelings with the Colonel- right now something is bothering her- is really, really upsetting her and I don't think it has much to do with your lack of tact or lack of ability to communicate your feelings. You say she is your best friend, but when she needs you, you take her answer of 'I'm fine' and walk away even though you know she isn't fine. Oh and Sir, go ahead, bring me up on a DDO charge for this and I will request the Colonel as my attorney- then I will tell her EVERYTHING." Harriet stood there, at rigid attention after her tirade, not knowing exactly what to expect. Looking at Harm's face wasn't helping her any.  
  
Harm sat there, stunned at Harriet. Never had he heard her speak to a superior officer this way, for that matter, he had never heard her speak to anyone that way. He made a note never to get Harriet pissed at him again. Finally he recovered his voice, "I am not going to bring you up on a DDO charge Harriet. You were only trying to help. Yes, I think you did overstep some boundaries there, but I will take your advice into consideration. Could you ask the Colonel to join me for lunch?"  
  
"Thank-you Sir. I am not sorry I said what I did, but I am sorry for the unprofessional display. Sir, I will ask her if you want, but I think it would be best if the invitation came from you personally."  
  
"Okay Lt. Sims, dismissed"  
  
Harm sat there contemplating Mac's office. Lunch would only give them at best 45 minutes to talk and he knew that it would take longer than that to get that stubborn marine to talk to him. His resolve was to make her talk even if he had to pin her down- of course that would require more than 45 minutes- he wouldn't get out of the emergency room after having his bones set before he was due back at the office.  
  
He picked up his phone and dialed Mac's extension.  
  
"Colonel MacKenzie"  
  
"Commander Rabb, I was just wondering if you had any plans for this evening?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do Commander." She didn't want to deal with this right now, here at the office she could stall and avoid him, but after hours, together, she didn't stand a chance.  
  
"What, another night of not sleeping? Really now Mac, is QVC and the Home Shopping Network more exciting than me with a briefcase full of files? No, don't answer that Mac. Please, join me for dinner tonight- I promise I won't make any meatless meatloaf- I will order pizza with lots and lots of greasy dead animal just for you. I need some help with these files…." He really didn't, the files he needed to summarize would have only taken him an hour, two at the most to do by himself. In fact he had planned to assign them to a junior officer to do. Although he knew Mac could see through that excuse, and knew he just wanted to get her to open up to him, he also knew that she wouldn't allow herself to knock on his door and spill whatever was bothering her. He would have to coax it out of her.  
  
"Okay. 1830 sound good to you? And Commander, bring your files to my place. I don't like leaving my car in your neighborhood." She sighed as she put the phone back in its cradle. At some point tonight, she would give in to his questions and tell him about her dreams and her fears. It would also mean letting him find out more about the horrors of her childhood. Hopefully he wouldn't laugh or walk away because she needed him- that fear almost eclipsed the fear she felt during her nightmares.  
  
1840  
  
Mac's apartment  
  
Georgetown  
  
The doorbell rang and she opened it to see Harm standing there- faded jeans that fit like a glove, running shoes, Annapolis sweatshirt and his leather flight jacket, carrying two pizzas and no briefcase. She took the pizza from him and sat it down on the kitchen table, watching him remove his jacket and sling it across the back of a chair.  
  
"Did you forget something Sailor?"  
  
Harm looked up at her and the pizza. "Nope- one large meat lovers three cheese pizza and one large veggie pizza with feta cheese. I figured that should cover most of the night."  
  
"Where are these difficult case files you needed help with? What do you mean 'most of the night'?"  
  
"I knew I forgot something. Oh well. I can assign them to Singer tomorrow. As for the 'most of the night', I am staying right here. I had planned on keeping you captive in my apartment for the night, but considering you could have brought me up for false imprisonment, it was a good thing you offered your apartment for our slumber party. I am either going to sit on the floor beside your bed and watch you pretend to sleep which we can repeat night after night until you take the second offer which is that we are going to sit on that couch and you are going to tell me exactly why you can't sleep, then we can try to fix it and I will remain to make sure you get some sleep. Choice is yours."  
  
Her mind was reeling. Yes, she expected him to try to get her to talk, and over the course of the afternoon had come up with a plan on how to snowball him- just telling him that she wasn't sleeping because she was a bit stressed out and was considering asking for some leave time. She had hoped he would accept that, they would have supper, perhaps work on a few files and call it a night. That plan was now shot to shit. Harm wasn't leaving, her insomnia had become one of his obsessions. She walked over to the couch and sat down, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. Three weeks of little to no sleep, the daily stress of JAG, the daily stress Harm himself caused, the horrible dreams and memories at that instant became to much for her and silent tears began to flow.  
  
Harm watched her and the instant he saw her shoulders shudder and realized she was crying- although making no sound, he was at her side, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into his lap and against his chest. His heart broke at her tears and although his want to know what was causing these tears was a necessity, he decided that could wait. She had wound her arms around his chest and buried her head in the curve of his shoulder, against the base of his neck. Her tears causing the light gray sweatshirt to darken in color.  
  
Harm rocked her gently, as he spoke in low quiet whispers "Its okay Sarah, its okay to cry,"  
  
He didn't know how long he held her as she cried- only sounds coming from her were small hiccups and muted snuffles, no loud sobbing. He was no stranger to the silent tears routine, he was a master of it himself. On the rare occasions he allowed himself this kind of release, this was how his tears came- in private and without a sound. He knew his reasoning in learning this habit. He didn't want to add to his mother's grief when his father was shot down. He tried to be strong for her and take on the role of man of the house- therefor he hid his tears from her and it became so ingrained in him, that was how he cried. Why had Mac learned to cry like that though? He couldn't make sense of it and knew it was something he would bring up with her later. Much later by the looks of things he thought as he tilted his head to look at Mac. She had cried herself to sleep. He eased the both of them down to a laying position on the couch, intent on slipping from her grasp and taking up watch over her on the recliner, but he couldn't. He couldn't extricate himself from her grasp and the more he tried, the tighter she held herself to him. He decided to just lay there because he didn't want to wake her up, and just hoped she wouldn't be mad when she did wake up.  
  
It had been about three hours, he was sure Mac could have told him the exact amount of time, since she feel asleep. She was still snuggled against him but her rest didn't seem as peaceful as it had been. She was moaning as if in pain and talking although he couldn't make out the words, he knew it was a plea of some kind. He tried to quietly whisper to her, in order to calm her without waking her, but it didn't work. She was starting to cry again, and Harm tried shaking her awake, but she still wouldn't come out of it.  
  
The man grabbed the little girl, away from trying to comfort her mother who was lying on the floor, bleeding heavily from her mouth and nose. "Get away from her you little bitch. She got what she deserved and if you disobey me, you are gonna get it to" the man yelled at the confused scared girl. She wouldn't leave her mother there alone with him, she had to protect her. Her mother motioned for her to obey her father and tried to let her know she was okay, but the little girl would not leave her. Once again the man slapped her away from her mother. "I am warning you SARAH"  
  
"Mac..... Mac....Mac....." his voice getting progressively louder until in a tone reserved for junior officers not intent on obeying his orders he said "SARAH".  
  
At that Mac flew from his arms, getting in a good shot to his ribs as he sat up with her, trying to calm her down. Mac found herself crouching behind the coffee table breathing hard, looking over had Harm who was half doubled over from her punch.  
  
"Oh God, Harm..... are you okay?" She wanted to go to him, but something held her back, and her stomach turned as she realized it was fear, fear of Harm- fear of a man who despite saying painful words to her, would never hit her or allow anyone else to, yet she was afraid of one of the very few men in her life that gave her no good cause to be afraid of them.  
  
Harm had straightened himself up and was looking over at her, wanting to reach out to her, but sensing he needed to let her come to him, he didn't need to experience her right hand on his midsection again for a long time. "I am okay, Mac, what is it? Is this why you are not sleeping? Talk to me Sarah"  
  
She got up and folded herself in the recliner, facing him. "I can't sleep because I have nightmares, just like the one I had now." She willed herself to stop shaking and keep the waterworks in check. "I am afraid that they are real.... real like the dream I had when I found Chloe, when I found you and when I found that officer murdered in the park. I don't know how I would even start to find out if they are or not....." She held his gaze trying to figure out if he thought she was crazy.  
  
Harm was worried and scared for her. Although he remained skeptical about most paranormal subjects, he did not doubt Mac's talent or gift in the least. It had saved two lives- one of them his, and led to the solving of a high profile murder case. If she thought these nightmares were visions, then he would help her. "What are the dreams Mac? I can't help you figure them out or figure out where to start if you don't tell me the details." He eased himself down towards the end of the couch so that he would be closer to her, but not invading her personal space.  
  
She couldn't believe it. Yes, in all honesty she could. He supported her, believed in her and she knew without a doubt when her back was against the wall if she asked for his help, he would give it without hesitation. All part of the whole picture that made her love and trust him. "They aren't anything I haven't experienced. I dream of this little girl being abused by her father. They are just so real Harm. I dread them, I can' t sleep. I don't know if I am that little girl, if I am having flashbacks in the form of nightmares, or if....." She couldn't continue as a memory flooded her, a memory of her being punched and thrown to the floor.... this couldn't be happening to her, not when she was awake- the dreams were bad enough "Oh God Harm..." She reached out for him and he took her in his arms.  
  
He knew that in order to free her from these nightmares, they had to figure out if they were flashbacks or visions and he had part of his mind working on that problem while he held her and soothed her, until she was a bit more relaxed in his arms. Another part of his mind was in a rage, although Mac had not described in detail any of her dreams, his own imagination combined with what knowledge he had of how her father treated her was working over time and producing some horrible images.  
  
"Mac, these nightmares.... did they really happen, I mean are they actual events that you can remember taking place in your childhood?" He hated to ask her that, to make her dwell on them anymore than she already was and he hugged her closer trying to take some of that pain away.  
  
She was hesitant in answering, but she figured out his strategy and approved "Yes, for the most part yes.... the real bad ones, though, they are a bit confusing. I didn't remember them until I had the nightmare- but am I just remembering them because of the nightmare? Confusing reality and fiction?"  
  
"Perhaps those real bad ones did happen, but they were so bad that your subconscious hid them from you." The thought of anyone causing Mac that much pain angered him to the point he started to shake a bit.  
  
Mac picked up on his tremors immediately "Harm, what is wrong?"  
  
"Never mind" He snapped and felt Mac pull back, "shhhh, sorry I didn't mean..... I will tell you later."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Yes, now is it possible?" He asked referring to his last question.  
  
"Could be...." she answered hesitantly, but not ready to make a call based on that evidence alone.  
  
"Mac...." Not sure of exactly how to phrase this, but knowing this would be the only way he could prove to her that it was just repressed memories, he had to go on "Think of the nightmares you had that you say you don't remember actually happening to you.... is there any possibility that there is anyone who could confirm them happening, like your Uncle Matt?" He knew this would bring pain to the older retired Colonel whom he knew loved Mac like a daughter, but if there was any chance.....  
  
Mac thought for a few minutes, and then looked Harm in the eyes "I will tell you if you tell me why you were trembling a few minutes ago"  
  
Harm let out a small laugh, she sure knew how to make a deal and make one in her favor. "Deal." He said and he thought for a few moments about how exactly to phrase his thoughts so that there would be no miscommunication this time.  
  
"Mac, I know right now is not the time for this, and we have a lot of talking- real talking- not just one of us talking and the other as a twisted self-defense mechanism, hearing the complete opposite of what is meant. I love you Sarah MacKenzie- no ifs ands or buts about that fact, but I am afraid of that love in so many ways. I was trembling because just the thought of your father, of anyone abusing you in the ways you have told me about and the ways my imagination has conjured up hurts me and makes me so angry." By the time he finished he had tears of his own escaping his eyes.  
  
"I love you too Harm...." was all she could get out before grabbing him into a tight hug, resting her head on his shoulder. After a few minutes of reveling in the safety and comfort his admission and arms provided, she pulled back.  
  
"Call Uncle Matt. Ask him if there ever was a time when my father was still in the Marines that he had been arrested by the MPs because he beat my mother and I up....." She stopped for a second, knowing those details were not enough to prove anything, but needing the gather up the courage to continue. She was no longer just hurting herself by these memories, but soon that hurt would extend to her uncle when asked about it and it was hurting the man who held her in his arms. "In my nightmare, I remember my mother telling the MPs that he had forced her to.... to.... have sex with him or he would use me instead. In the nightmare, he had a broken my arm.... and Uncle Matt had arrived with the MPs".  
  
Harm was shocked. Yes, he had thought in passing that perhaps sexual abuse was part of her father's arsenal, but never let himself dwell on it because of the anguish it caused him not to mention what he knew it would have done to Mac. He didn't want to think about it now, but he had to ask, "Mac, did he ever....?" He was unable to complete the question, his teeth were grinding to much.  
  
"No, not that I remember, and I do think I would remember that." She answered as much for his sake as for her own..... please don't let that be another nightmare she begged silently. "Call Uncle Matt. Hit 2 on the speed dial. Ask him about my nightmare."  
  
"2? I would have thought the most important man in your life would have been 1...." Harm tried to joke.  
  
"Your number is saved under 1 Harm."  
  
He was going to say something but changed his mind.... not the time he thought to himself as he proceeded to call Matthew O'Hara. Mac went into her bedroom and sat on her bed. She couldn't bear to listen to the conversation. Harm would let her know, and he would tell her the truth regardless. She wandered back out into the living room just in time to hear Harm's goodbye to her uncle.  
  
Harm turned to her and took her hands in his. "He said it happened. You were four years old at the time. He had hoped you wouldn't remember it and didn't want me to tell you that it did happen, but I told him about your visions and how you were scared that perhaps you were being sent these dreams in order to help someone, but you didn't know who." Tears began to roll down both of their faces, " He said that these dreams were memories resurfacing, and perhaps you should consider them visions if your main concern was to help the person who had suffered under the abuse in your nightmares. He suggested that I give you a hand in helping this person, because this person is his niece, Sarah MacKenzie and he cares about her very much." Harm couldn't continue, his throat was too full, so he pulled her into his arms again and held her close and whispered "I told him that I cared alot about this Sarah MacKenzie too and that I would be by her side for as long as she would have me and longer".  
  
That night they held each other and her nightmares didn't invade their slumber. In the morning Mac made arrangements to see a counselor for assistance in dealing with the memories her childhood had left her with and true to his word, Harm was there by her side, holding her hand during sessions and wiping her tears. She was presented with the opportunity to hold his hand and wipe his tears during some of those sessions too.  
  
The End. 


End file.
